undeserving

my days are consumed with school. the schedule for each of my days is written down and crossed out once finished. i am busy, but not overwhelmed. i am volunteering to get mandatory diversity hours, meeting with groups to plan a professional development session and organize a booklet for subplans, reading chapters and writing reflections, writing lesson plans, reviewing instructional resources, researching topics in the library's catalog, writing lesson plans, creating anecdotal notes, learning about soundscapes and pantomime and tableaux, and writing more lesson plans. phew.

i am taking 18 hours of class this semester so i knew there could be a heavy workload, so i'm not surprised in the least. but in all honesty, i didn't think i'd be this busy. i would hope my time managing skills are improving, and i feel they are because i am tackling assignments like it's nobody's business and acing quizzes and reviews. however, every day is so busy. non-stop, take a big breath, let's go! kind of busy. there is always something i could be doing when i'm not doing anything, but there is never a minute where i'm not doing anything. so what, this is life, right? true, but with busy comes balance and with balance comes that pure true joyful spirit for living life attitude.

and i want that. so i'm working on balancing all of the intricate interlaced aspects of my life. my planner looks pretty organized and my life feels pretty organized, but my heart and mind seem at times to be all-over-the-place. i went to a 1hr yoga class today to help with the mind part of that matter, but instructor girl worked more on stretching legs (which btw, don't think our legs need to be worked out anymore because we've all been trekking through snow for the past 5 years in freezing temps... think we're good) than relaxing my whole body and mind and loosening up this neck tension. but no, i still feel the need to crack my neck as i sit here writing this. boo yoga girl.

with the heart part, though, it's a work in progress. and although schoolwork is sometimes tedious and trying, i am gaining so much knowledge. my heart is focusing on school, an experience i know it should be. but my dear heart, i know that you must also be focusing on Jesus and His lovingkindness and simple grace and all the dreams i've been having that could possibly be prophetic.

when i think about it, i know that am working toward the next part of the story. whether that next part has me teaching in a school of my choice or not, this now is for then. and at this moment, i am in the heart of this part. the deep down so-close-to-the-core-hot extremely intense part. i love it here, but i think i may just love it more once we come up a bit and get rollin' with the good stuff thats still to come. isu is helping to prepare me for teacher life, but at the same time, i must also be letting the Lord further prepare me for the prayerful, evangelistic, justice-seeking, passionate loving, discipling, leading aspects of life. i yearn to be in the complete midst of that.

i am looking forward to spending full days with the bruer kids while their parents soak up some cali sun (confession, i'm jealous!) and then spending four days at IHOP next week. i do believe that the absence from this here good ol' bloomington-normal will bring me to a place of being not so "busy" because for a few days i'm going to have four little lives to care for and my focus will be completely off of me. and then i will spend a few days where (i pray) my focus is completely on the Lord. i cannot wait.

i also cannot wait to be in Italy. we leave for that adventure less than a month from now. i'm holding on to promises and truth and i'm excited to see the Lord at work, breaking chains and bringing freedom.

i am busy, but i am blessed. and i don't deserve any of it. but i am oh so thankful for all of it.