tearful eyes, joyful heart

there is no real relevancy that brings me to share this today, except for the fact that i randomly signed into my myspace account a few hours ago and have been reading blog entries from my days in 2006-2008. i actually forgot that i regularly blogged back then... but now that i've come across the words of high school sarah, i'm sure i'll be sharing some of what i had to say back then at some points now.

tonight i want to share a post that was entitled "she's watching over me". i wrote it on may 29, 2007 and it is my account of my Grandma Davis passing away. it brought me to tears as i read it and i just feel in my heart a desire to share it here...

My grandma passed away last Tuesday (May 22, 2007) and this past week has been pretty overwhelming, but not really in a bad-stressful sort of way. I was close to her, I'd say. She wasn't able to leave the house much, so I would often run and get groceries for her, bring them to her house, and then sit around and chat for at least an hour. She went to the hospital last December because she was often short of breath. After laying in a hospital bed for about a week, her legs lost the little strength that they had and it was suggested to her family that she should move into a nursing home to regain the strength. And so, to the nursing home she went! At first she hated being away from her home.. the house she had raised her family in and where she had lived for 50 years. So, we all tried to make her feel more welcomed at the nursing home by just making her room more homey. I took an old bulletin board of mine, decorated it, put tons of family pictures on it and then hung it up on the wall by her bed. Small items were brought from her house to the nursing home, and after awhile her room seemed to be a lot more comforting.

A few times, I even went and played bingo with my grandma at the nursing home. I never won, but she did. And it will be these memories of her and I that I will have forever. I would often visit her after school and stayed there for hours. We would just talk. She would ask me about my day and I would ask her about hers. She knew that I joined the softball team, she knew that I went to Biloxi with some friends, she knew all the little things that would happen throughout my day.. and I knew that she got her hair done that day, that she hadn't been feeling good lately, that her roommate left the tv on all night and it annoyed her a lot.. and it was these little chats that always made me grateful for my grandma.

Whenever I would leave I would say "I love you Grandma.. I'll see you later" and I would give her a kiss on the cheek. She'd say "Alright.. see you later Sarah" and kiss me on the cheek too. I often didn't know if that would be the last time that I would talk to her or not.. but it never was. And it's not even that she was sick often.. it was just that, I just never knew. I mean, who knows really?

For Mother's Day this year, my family reserved one of the family rooms at the nursing home. The whole family was there and my grandma was happy. She would read the cards and tear up and it was precious. The few hours that we were there, I now look back on and it seems like they were just minutes. It is times like these, when she was happy, which made everyone happy, that I will miss. The memory of her will always be with us, and knowing that she is even happier now will make us happy.. but just the physical happiness of her will be absent. The physical viewing of her smile will be gone. Now, it has all been captured in a mental vision. Grandma's eyes, smile, heart, and words. Everything about her.

The Friday after Mother's Day, Grandma wasn't feeling too well, so one of my aunts took her to the hospital. They ran some tests and saw that she really wasn't doing too well. Her kidneys were barely working and her breathing was slow. On Saturday morning, my parents and Ben came to my softball game since it was Senior Day. They were setting up chairs and I was outfield warming up.. and then my mom signaled me to the fence. It ended up, one of my aunts had called my dad and said that Grandma wasn't looking too good. Everything seemed to be shutting down. My family and I then gathered up our stuff and left the game. We went straight to the hospital and stayed there until about 2 in the afternoon. It was true that she wasn't looking too good, but she was at a pretty stable state at the time where nothing drastic was really believed to happen soon.

It broke my heart to see her laying there that Saturday. With an IV in her arm.. a cool washcloth on her forehead.. her eyes closed.. she did look quite sick. Regardless, however, I couldn't stay away. I always wanted to go to the hospital.. as soon as I would wake up. After church on Sunday, I went there. On Monday, I went there. Also, Monday was the day the doctors took her IV out. Her kidneys were barely working, and regardless of how much fluid was put into her, hardly any was released. That is when it was decided to take the IV out.. why give her fluid if she is just going to retain it. Then, because of this, her hands became quite puffy. Saturday and Sunday she had been pretty coherent and would open her eyes quite often, but now, Monday, she seldom opened her eyes and she rarely said a word. I left Monday to go to softball practice and I said to her, "I'm going to go now Grandma, okay?" and she responded "Ok". I then said, "I'll see you later.. I love you". But, she didn't say a word. I never knew that those would be my last words to her.

Tuesday morning, I called my dad around 10. He had been at the hospital since 7 and I wanted to see if he minded if I came up now. He said, though, that he didn't want me to come up that day. He told me that Grandma was getting worse and he didn't want me to see her this way. I was disappointed that I couldn't go, but I knew it was for the best. Throughout the day, whenever my phone would ring, I would get sort of anxious. Never nervous, just curious. To me it seemed that no news was good news.. and that just was that.

After my game Tuesday night, I went home and immediately asked my dad how Grandma was doing. He said, "You know how she wasn't doing too good today?" And I responded, "Yes." "Well," he said, "Grandma died this afternoon Sarah." I fell to the floor and cried. My dad comforted me, but I was broken. It's not that I didn't want her to die.. but the thought of her being gone was just devastating. I know she is in a happier place now. I know she is with my grandpa. And best of all, I know she is with Jesus. She is free for eternity. She is finally living and I want to be happy for her. But it is hard. Very hard.

It takes courage to talk about it all. And it takes a lot to be strong throughout it all. But I'm trying. My family is here. My friends are here. And my Jesus is here. I tear up when I think about her.. but they are happy tears. I will miss her, but I can still talk to her. She is in heaven and that brings joy to my heart. I will see her again someday.. but until then, I will live here and she will live there. And we will be separated by space, but not by mind. I will love her and cherish the times we had together, forever.

third sunday market

i love glass bottles and jars of all shapes, sizes, and colors.

yummy treats by The Chocolatier, Inc.

com·mu·ni·ty

this group of friends, more or less, meets every thursday night for a few hours. we are currently studying the book of colossians and last week we talked extensively about community. that discussion led us into one about why people go to church, because of religion? for themselves? or because of the other people they will see there? then as we shared our thoughts on that matter, another question arose: are you still considered in community even if you're not engaged? i.e. i physically go to church- walk in, walk out, and never get involved. am i still a part of that church community?? all of our thoughts differed in small ways, but we were all in agreement that community is established because of a COMMON UNITY. and so fast forward to today because it is on this day that i am feeling quite overwhelmed and blessed by some of the common unities that are goin' on in my life.

little miss blogger
until recently, i never characterized myself as a blogger. i've been faithfully blogging for over a year now and writing and reflecting here is such a part of my life that i feel like yes, i am a blogger. and that title is just supposed to get thrown in with all the other ones i've got- daughter, sister, friend, student, blogger. yep, i think it fits perfectly right there. but it's not a one way street that i'm on here in this blogsphere. i religiously read the blog postings of several others, which inspire me in the way of cooking, art, spirituality, and life in general. sometimes i hear of blogs from others, and i check them out. other times, i somehow stumble upon blogs of people who share the most beautiful stories and have a way with their words that i aspire to have with my own someday. i feel so connected to some of the friends that i follow because they are so genuine in what they share on their blog. they are real and true and honest, and when there are pictures supplementing their stories, things are much more fun! and so it is, i am in community with these other bloggers. they may not know me but i know their stories. i love their stories and i love the unexpected lessons that are brought to me through their words.


my toolbar of bookmarks is overflowing with links back to blogs in categories. it probably wouldn't make much sense to you for me to break those categories down, but i have this organized system sort of in the works that makes sense to me. (most of the time!) i have come across everything from fashion blogs to food blogs to frugal family fun blogs to blogs that are just funny. i don't always remember where i saw the picture of the cutest baby shower or read about a certain photoshop technique or tasted the yummiest cupcake just by looking at a picture, but i do remember what i got from reading that post. like with the cupcakes, i learned that homemade cupcakes are super expensive to make and that we need to save our money before we even look at that recipe again. and it's things like that which keep me going back. i spend hours getting lost in this blogsphere, but i never feel like i am wasting time. because we all have something to share, and we should do so through whatever means necessary... so i am grateful for this crazy blogger community that exists. it fuels me.

aligned orbits
i've been reading the account of a white South African woman in which she shares the highs and lows of having adopted a black South African Zulu boy, who was diagnosed at a young age with having HIV. all in all, their story is great. at times when i read about their experiences i want to cry, at others i want to hug that boy and hope that a bit of his joy, courage and strength could be magically passed into my heart and mind. Nkosi and his adoptive mom Gail made big differences in their world (late 1990s/early 2000s) and received a lot of attention from the media throughout the world. one reporter shares his account of their story. he knew of this young boy and dedicated mom, and he knew of his job as a reporter. it never quite occurred to him though that their paths could someday meet and that in time and without any effort on either parties' part, their individual orbits of life would be gradually aligned. and it would be in that destined moment in time when even more lives would be transformed and such an unexpected and beautiful bond would be formed.

but it's not just in the lives of the ones who make the news who get the attention or have some extraordinary destiny awaiting them. we all have our orbits aligned where they are right now for a reason and when we accept that willingly, we will undeniably be exposed to the greatness which it is. right now, my orbit of life is aligned with the orbits of others in some of the most unexpected ways. and for that reason, my days are absolutely delightful. because we are aligned with each other, i am aligned with this place, and we are a part of this mystery... at such a time as this.


when we are bold, when we reach out, when we wander into the unknown... great things will come. and like the changing of the seasons, our lives may be altered in some way. we may be stripped down to our core, have to follow and search out our true roots, but we will surely find who we are. when we let go, we will fall back into our appropriate orbits where the most elegant form of community is found.

a coffee date with molly - her first time at fusion brew!

little blue #2 and i went to kroger for a few groceries. after locking him up outside and having a man comment "that's a nice bike ya got there.", i was a bit suspicious and worried that when i came out of the store little blue would be a little gone. thankfully he wasn't!

made these cupcakes for the CEC Bake Sale tomorrow!

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."
-Dawna Markova

some kind of crazy

i know how much i love someone. i know how much i love something. i can feel how strong my feelings are when joy erupts from laughter, a smile effortlessly begins, and my heart beats quicker. i know how much a tangible touch makes me feel loved. 



i know how much i love the lord. when i sit and soak in his goodness, i am in love. he alone makes my heart beat quicker, and when i think of his great works, my soul is filled with an overwhelming thankfulness that his actions parallel his promises. even in the trials and pain and sorrow and stress, he is still god and when i focus on this love that i feel, i get lost in it as i remember what really matters in this life.



but i am sure that i will never be able to fully comprehend the love that he has for me. i read about its extravagance, i hear stories about its wonder, and i know for myself that it is deep, high, long and wide in all ways. but this past weekend, when a friend said “His love blows my mind”, my mind got stuck on that statement. i keep picturing some super strong wind that just blows through our minds and we can’t even remotely understand its strength, power, or greatness. it just is. that does seem like the kind of love that he has for us. it covers all and is in all. it’s pure, glorious, divine and all things wonderful. it is simply and sweetly some kind of crazy love.



“Today, You love me more than anyone has ever loved me.”