last year, a friend shared with me a motto she had thought of for my 2010: "2010, never be the same again." and to recap on this past year i was attempting to write a blog in total focus to that motto. it's great, but my heart is pouring out words that are overflowing the cup that's holding that phrase. so here i am... and i have a few confessions.
sometimes i think i have it all together. but when i don't know what to say to a heartbroken friend, cannot make sense of some situation i'm in, when there are tears on christmas morning, when a coworker gets held at gunpoint and is demanded to give over all the money in her register... i remember that i absolutely don't have it all together.
this year, i learned to simply "go with it" because i am far from having control. i have came across some sort of boldness in my heart and mind that is really unexplainable to me. and i'm just going with it. when i come to those points of thinking that i have life figured out when i really don't, i just go with it. i speak from my heart. and just like the words are flowing endlessly from my mind to my fingertips as i type this right now, i know it's what i'm supposed to say.
i have felt so blessed, in awe, refreshed, and loved in this year. i have encountered several moments and days and wonderful little seasons where i've felt that i am exactly where i'm supposed to be. and these "good" things, the things that make me sometimes believe that i do have it all figured out aren't some false realities of greatness. and it's not some weird coincidence when i feel so in sync with the people in my life... ultimately it's an awesome wonder.
this year has left me with the surest testimony of God's faithfulness. about 3 years ago, i was given a heart's desire to one day travel and serve in africa. for 4 months this year, i lived life in kenya. i met some of the most genuine people i have ever met in my life and felt so much joy each of the days i was in that beautiful country. i took steps of faith and received so much blessing. i felt privileged and trusted and experienced more than i ever imagined i would.
a few weeks ago, i had what i thought was a great idea to make a collage of pictures for each month of 2010 to recap on this year. i stayed up late a few nights, drank a couple cups of coffee, spent hours trying to find what pictures i wanted to use, somewhat stressed over figuring out a page's layout... and as much as it was so wonderful to reminisce over the happenings of 2010, i lost interest and had no real joy in creating those collages after the shortest amount of time passed. and i love creating, and i love collages. and i never really stress out, so i just stopped doing them. and last night for example, i just went to bed. and here i am today. i got 5 out of the 12 collages done but i'm not posting any of them. it kind of seems like all the time i spent making them was for nothing, but i'm just going to go with it... i am feeling perfectly content with what i've got goin' on right now.
i spent most of this last day of 2010 with the dakins. and as always, was blessed by the presence of those 30ish year olds, that 4 yr old, those twins, and that little babe. it was a spring-like december 31st which we spent on the inside of northwoods mall... running, laughing, eating pretzels, and giving paisley kisses everytime she puckered her lips and lifted her head towards one of us. it was a great day. totally appropriate for this great year. there was no bang but there was definitely a pop, a joy-filled genuine pop covered with sparkle.
i have spent the last few days tuning in to ihop's onething conference via webstream. the annoited worship has filled me so full and the teachings (the few that i've listened to so far) have completely hit my heart... not a slapping kind of hit, but a subtle touch that is speaking volumes. i can feel changes happening on the inside.
things have changed this year. even in just the past few days things have changed. and things will continue to change with the days, months, and years that are to come. i plan on just going with it all and sharing what's on my heart when it is... just like i am on this new year's eve.
2010, you were extraordinary. 2011, i am excited for what you will bring.
there's a peace that comes to my soul when i remember you're in control.
there's a joy that comes to my heart when i remember i'm not my own.
i'm no longer my own, i'm yours... there's power in surrender.
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