roots

I want to be unmovable and unshakeable so that my roots grow down deep,
Unmovable and unshakeable in You. (x4)

I want to be like a tree, planted by the streams of Living Water. (x4)

This will be my song God, this will be my prayer:
til the end, til the end
'In the midst of the coming storm, in the midst of the coming blessing,
That my life would be built upon the rock,
That I will not be moved,
Not be shaken.'

We love because he first loved us. -1 John 4:19


undeserving

my days are consumed with school. the schedule for each of my days is written down and crossed out once finished. i am busy, but not overwhelmed. i am volunteering to get mandatory diversity hours, meeting with groups to plan a professional development session and organize a booklet for subplans, reading chapters and writing reflections, writing lesson plans, reviewing instructional resources, researching topics in the library's catalog, writing lesson plans, creating anecdotal notes, learning about soundscapes and pantomime and tableaux, and writing more lesson plans. phew.

i am taking 18 hours of class this semester so i knew there could be a heavy workload, so i'm not surprised in the least. but in all honesty, i didn't think i'd be this busy. i would hope my time managing skills are improving, and i feel they are because i am tackling assignments like it's nobody's business and acing quizzes and reviews. however, every day is so busy. non-stop, take a big breath, let's go! kind of busy. there is always something i could be doing when i'm not doing anything, but there is never a minute where i'm not doing anything. so what, this is life, right? true, but with busy comes balance and with balance comes that pure true joyful spirit for living life attitude.

and i want that. so i'm working on balancing all of the intricate interlaced aspects of my life. my planner looks pretty organized and my life feels pretty organized, but my heart and mind seem at times to be all-over-the-place. i went to a 1hr yoga class today to help with the mind part of that matter, but instructor girl worked more on stretching legs (which btw, don't think our legs need to be worked out anymore because we've all been trekking through snow for the past 5 years in freezing temps... think we're good) than relaxing my whole body and mind and loosening up this neck tension. but no, i still feel the need to crack my neck as i sit here writing this. boo yoga girl.

with the heart part, though, it's a work in progress. and although schoolwork is sometimes tedious and trying, i am gaining so much knowledge. my heart is focusing on school, an experience i know it should be. but my dear heart, i know that you must also be focusing on Jesus and His lovingkindness and simple grace and all the dreams i've been having that could possibly be prophetic.

when i think about it, i know that am working toward the next part of the story. whether that next part has me teaching in a school of my choice or not, this now is for then. and at this moment, i am in the heart of this part. the deep down so-close-to-the-core-hot extremely intense part. i love it here, but i think i may just love it more once we come up a bit and get rollin' with the good stuff thats still to come. isu is helping to prepare me for teacher life, but at the same time, i must also be letting the Lord further prepare me for the prayerful, evangelistic, justice-seeking, passionate loving, discipling, leading aspects of life. i yearn to be in the complete midst of that.

i am looking forward to spending full days with the bruer kids while their parents soak up some cali sun (confession, i'm jealous!) and then spending four days at IHOP next week. i do believe that the absence from this here good ol' bloomington-normal will bring me to a place of being not so "busy" because for a few days i'm going to have four little lives to care for and my focus will be completely off of me. and then i will spend a few days where (i pray) my focus is completely on the Lord. i cannot wait.

i also cannot wait to be in Italy. we leave for that adventure less than a month from now. i'm holding on to promises and truth and i'm excited to see the Lord at work, breaking chains and bringing freedom.

i am busy, but i am blessed. and i don't deserve any of it. but i am oh so thankful for all of it.

pretend mom

foster: sarah, why are you the boss?
me: because mom and dad aren't here.
and i'm the adult...
foster: so you're just pretending to be the mom?
me: yea, kinda.

a weekend pretend mom who has sat through wall-e, wall-e, wall-e, tinkerbell, wall-e, tinkerbell, dispicable me, and now toy story 3 all within the last 24 hours... who has cared for the sick and cuddled all who want to keep warm... done hair, painted nails, and given baths... and soon will be making the 3rd meal for 3 and then laying down for a nap!

blessed girls

last night, i was helping the girls with their bible study reading and questions and then anae and i had this conversation...

me: ok, first question, what are you thankful for?
anae: i'm thankful for you... our babysitter!
me: ok, but i'm not really your "babysitter"...
i'm more just like a friend.
anae: actually, you're more just like an aunt.

that made me smile... because they're the ones who i feel blessed to know! they rock at sporting army boots and getting good grades, flipping out handstands every day in the living room, and getting declared "student of the quarter" which is worthy of an article in the newspaper! we make each other laugh so much, we get kinda crazy at times, we invent games, we dance and spin around, we do hair, we paint nails, we do homework, we "talk", we cook, we craft, and we have so much fun together. so biological aunt or not, we're all blessed so we'll just go with it!

mosquito nets and memories

this morning i heard deep male voices talking outside. all was quiet except for those mumbled voices speaking words that i couldn't understand. as i wonder what they were up to, i am at the pretty likely conclusion that they were picking through the dumpster in our parking lot in search of aluminum cans. (i say this because i've seen men doing it before...)



before i really awoke this morning, still with my eyes closed not thinking about whether i was surrounded by a mosquito net or not, i felt like i could have very well been waking up from a restful night's sleep at Grace's house. because i heard voices like this almost every morning while i was in Kenya. there were always roosters squawking, dogs barking, or some car noise off in the distance, but almost right below our upstairs window, there would daily be men sitting and talking in the early morning hours. and i never knew what they were saying (probably because they were speaking in another language), but i could hear their deep mumbling voices. in the matter of a split second, my mind made an involuntarily scan, brought forward that memory and in mind and spirit took me to that place.

it was exactly one year ago today that i started my volunteer placement with IVHQ.



on that day, i had no idea what the next four months would hold. on the days to follow that first day, i still had no idea. i had questions, i made observations, i rode matatus, i tried food i'd never seen before for the first time, i became a part of following groups, and i listened to what everyone who i was meeting had to share, say, and tell.

on that first day i vowed to myself that for the time i spent in Kenya, i would simply live my life so in tune with my senses so that i could more accurately remember all of the details, would gaze upon everything to find it's beauty, and would rest in the peace and hope and joy that the Lord had in fact brought me to this place.

one year later, i am full of gladness that despite those first few days of feeling partially clueless but full of expectancy, i let that first day be the start of a wonderful journey. i am also so glad that i let my senses take over because the memories that are stored away in my mind are so vivid and real that they often fill my dreams. and such as today in yoga, when we were instructed to close our eyes and relax, i could perfectly picture the African landscape, with the acacia tress and the mountains and the valleys and the big open blue sky. because that is beauty. and beauty is wonderfully relaxing.



and still somewhat unbelievable but completely true, just a few days over a year ago, i boarded this plane to take me half way around the world to experience a new beauty... of people, life, landscape, and love. my senses remember, my heart remembers, my mind remembers, and i remember.

i hope those men found what they were looking for this morning because i know from experience that a fulfilled hope is exceptionally delightful.

He knew what He was getting into when He called me...

awake

"God blessed the seventh day and made it holy..." - Genesis 2:3
seven is the most perfect number. it's HIS number. and today is the 7th day of this new year. we have lived days 1-6 and here we are at 7. one week into 2011.

and it is good.

i've been singing a lot of songs lately. these songs not only resound from the speakers in my car or the voices that sing them live before me, but the lyrics echo in my mind. during all hours of my days, i must confess that my attention has not been solely focused on the one friend and the deep conversation that i am almost wholeheartedly lost in... or on the mom who i am helping find jeans for her son... or on running errands and checking things off my unwritten to-do list, because these songs are on repeat in the back of my mind, the lyrics are dancing across my heart and the melodies are flowing through my soul.

✳ shekinah glory come down ✳ break the chains that hinder love ✳ signs, wonders, miracles ✳ open the floodgates of heaven ✳ no power in heaven or hell can keep me from the love of the father on his throne ✳ i can hear the rhythm of the lion of the tribe of judah ✳ you died for freedom ✳ matchless in every way ✳ there is no god like Jehovah ✳ if you don't quit, you win ✳
most of these songs, i've heard for the first time in the past month. and most of these songs, take me away to this magical fairytale-like vision that is so bright with light and there are birds soaring across the blue skies and there is so much joy you could drown in it. the people in this picture are full of life and they are singing.

a life song. a new song. the sweetest song.

i'm declaring 2011 to be a year of song... beautiful poetic notes strung together, possibly accompanied by destined words, or possibly standing alone.

looking back on 2010, i know that i trusted God especially for protection and guidance.
i know that one of the things i will be trusting him especially for this year is provision.

"...ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting..." - James 1:5-6
i am going to continue on this great life song that is over me by declaring proverbs 3 over this year - binding love and faithfulness around my neck, trusting and fearing and honoring the Lord, keeping sight of sound wisdom and discretion, not being afraid, and being humble.

"The wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace." - James 3:17-18
so i pray the spirit of wisdom to open my eyes and the spirit of revelation to open my heart. this is going to be a great year. we all can feel it.

"...'Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.' Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time..." - Ephesians 5:14-16

a heartfelt recap

i started writing this post a week ago. around the same time i also started thinking of how i could end 2010 with a bang. i have backspaced sentences, highlighted and deleted whole paragraphs, changed wording, and i just now started new with a completely blank text box. frustrating, yes... freeing, even more so.

last year, a friend shared with me a motto she had thought of for my 2010: "2010, never be the same again." and to recap on this past year i was attempting to write a blog in total focus to that motto. it's great, but my heart is pouring out words that are overflowing the cup that's holding that phrase. so here i am... and i have a few confessions.

sometimes i think i have it all together. but when i don't know what to say to a heartbroken friend, cannot make sense of some situation i'm in, when there are tears on christmas morning, when a coworker gets held at gunpoint and is demanded to give over all the money in her register... i remember that i absolutely don't have it all together.

this year, i learned to simply "go with it" because i am far from having control. i have came across some sort of boldness in my heart and mind that is really unexplainable to me. and i'm just going with it. when i come to those points of thinking that i have life figured out when i really don't, i just go with it. i speak from my heart. and just like the words are flowing endlessly from my mind to my fingertips as i type this right now, i know it's what i'm supposed to say.

i have felt so blessed, in awe, refreshed, and loved in this year. i have encountered several moments and days and wonderful little seasons where i've felt that i am exactly where i'm supposed to be. and these "good" things, the things that make me sometimes believe that i do have it all figured out aren't some false realities of greatness. and it's not some weird coincidence when i feel so in sync with the people in my life... ultimately it's an awesome wonder.

this year has left me with the surest testimony of God's faithfulness. about 3 years ago, i was given a heart's desire to one day travel and serve in africa. for 4 months this year, i lived life in kenya. i met some of the most genuine people i have ever met in my life and felt so much joy each of the days i was in that beautiful country. i took steps of faith and received so much blessing. i felt privileged and trusted and experienced more than i ever imagined i would.

a few weeks ago, i had what i thought was a great idea to make a collage of pictures for each month of 2010 to recap on this year. i stayed up late a few nights, drank a couple cups of coffee, spent hours trying to find what pictures i wanted to use, somewhat stressed over figuring out a page's layout... and as much as it was so wonderful to reminisce over the happenings of 2010, i lost interest and had no real joy in creating those collages after the shortest amount of time passed. and i love creating, and i love collages. and i never really stress out, so i just stopped doing them. and last night for example, i just went to bed. and here i am today. i got 5 out of the 12 collages done but i'm not posting any of them. it kind of seems like all the time i spent making them was for nothing, but i'm just going to go with it... i am feeling perfectly content with what i've got goin' on right now.

i spent most of this last day of 2010 with the dakins. and as always, was blessed by the presence of those 30ish year olds, that 4 yr old, those twins, and that little babe. it was a spring-like december 31st which we spent on the inside of northwoods mall... running, laughing, eating pretzels, and giving paisley kisses everytime she puckered her lips and lifted her head towards one of us. it was a great day. totally appropriate for this great year. there was no bang but there was definitely a pop, a joy-filled genuine pop covered with sparkle.


i have spent the last few days tuning in to ihop's onething conference via webstream. the annoited worship has filled me so full and the teachings (the few that i've listened to so far) have completely hit my heart... not a slapping kind of hit, but a subtle touch that is speaking volumes. i can feel changes happening on the inside.

things have changed this year. even in just the past few days things have changed. and things will continue to change with the days, months, and years that are to come. i plan on just going with it all and sharing what's on my heart when it is... just like i am on this new year's eve.

2010, you were extraordinary. 2011, i am excited for what you will bring.

there's a peace that comes to my soul when i remember you're in control.
there's a joy that comes to my heart when i remember i'm not my own.
i'm no longer my own, i'm yours... there's power in surrender.

nineteen!

today, my little brother turns 19... his last year of being a TEENager!
in celebration of his life on this day, i've got 19 things to say...

ben-
1. you are one of the funniest people i know.
2. i am so proud of you and these past 4 months. your success is so encouraging to me!
3. you could make anyone smile, i'm sure of it.
4. thank you for always listening to my long stories that sometimes are irrelevant.
5. one of my favorite parts about coming home, is to hang out with you.
6. you are extremely talented (if you didn't know) :)
7. if i was stranded on an island and was only able to bring along 3 things, 1 of them would be you.
8. you are such a hardworker.
9. your dedication to what you love is admirable.
10. you inspire me. to become a better dancer, perfect my fake cry, etc... ;)
11. i am so thankful for you.
12. i can't wait til we're grown-ups. we could travel the world. ya wanna?
13. always follow your dreams. look at how far you've come!
14. i'm glad you know all the lyrics to all the songs on the radio. i appreciate it.
15. i only let you crack my toes because i love you.
16. you are so fun to be around.
17. thank you for teaching me new things all the time.
18. you never let me down.
19. live this last year of your teens to the fullest! it only happens once!

happy 19th birthday, ben!
i love you.

southern cross academy: then and now

Izzo, the leader of this project, heads up Marafiki Community. and just over 6 months ago, i had the opportunity to be a part of some of the good works that he is doing in Kenya.

it brings me so much joy to see what HUGE successes this program is having.

all the work with the IDP camps has come along unbelievably. sure, there have been bumps and finance issues along the way, but in one year's time... look how far they've come! i don't want to make this sound about me, because it's not... at all. but these people and these projects are closer to my heart than any other "wow, that is really great" program because i know these people.

i got to be a part of the early stages of building this school. i helped remove grass from inside the classrooms when the only thing built was a very basic structure.






then, a few weeks later, we all were so excited as we drove up to the school and saw that there were walls and doors.




we did a medical camp for the camp residents that day and over 50 people came through to see the doctor. it was such a success that we unfortunately ran out of medicine to treat everyone.




a few months later, i returned with a group. first we played with the kids and gave out some candy and clothes.


















and then we went to the school and helped move rocks and stones from a huge pile to be laid down, and soon followed up with cement poured over them, to create floors in the classrooms.






they were clearly proactive about getting themselves a school.


these days were fun, but when i close my eyes and picture the kids spending their days, now instead, in their classrooms - sitting at their desks, reading and writing and learning math and social studies and science and CRE - i smile bigger than this. because that is so amazingly greater than this.


obviously this community has extreme needs. the people living at the IDP camps need support. they have gone from having nothing, to having so much with more to come! i remember talking with a mom of 7 children named jane during one of my visits, and she said, "in time, god will provide for us." He is providing for them... it is evident... and it is amazing.

Izzo, and volunteers from around the world, you are rockin' it. you are making a difference in the lives of these people and blessing them beyond belief. keep following your heart and the Lord's guidance... you are doing such a great thing.